he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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