You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
