My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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