When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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