I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Someone shattered a urinal.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
