I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
