I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
