Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we're making bets on your personal life
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
