does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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