Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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