I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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