Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
smell my finger.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
