I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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