I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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