my vag is so smooth its legendary
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This toilet bowl is my home.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
