I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
