She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
