Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
