found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
