I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
