Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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