i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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