remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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