it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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