we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
