i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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