last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
