Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
