Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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