And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
