my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
