i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize