im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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