I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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