I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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