True but thats because hes a fetus.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
