so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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