so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
