she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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