Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
