i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
