Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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