I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize