morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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