theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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