He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
