Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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