i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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