I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
