I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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