My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
