god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
