he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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