The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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