am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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