i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize