Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
