I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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