I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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