I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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