So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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