four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
