mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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