oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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