I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
