I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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