just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
