can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
