Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
