I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
